Very few people are familiar with the foreign students program here at Hofstra University. I make it my business to get acquainted with our foreign comrades, and it was because of this interest that I met Signore Gustaav Smenhoultz. He is a blogger from the Great Fascist Commune of Gustaavia, and he is incredibly punk.
The first picture in this series illustrates Gustaav diligently working at his daily blog. One of his foreign quirks is that he is most comfortable blogging in the bathroom. As a bona fide bad ass journalist, I investigated this strange behavior, but he was as impenetrable as an iron curtain. He alluded to his war-torn country's customs, and answered the rest of my questions only with fart jokes. I had to respect him for the audacity of this maneuver, and I had to respect his privacy, so I dropped it. What I found out next was more than enough to satisfy my curiosity about Gustaav.
In the second photo, you may notice Gustaav's strange attire: he has a magnificent pair of cowboy boots upon his hands and a Russian style hat. These are the traditional uniform of the world renowned Gustaavian Military, of which Gustaav has been a member since he was 14. Their orange-clad legions have struck terror into the hearts of villagers all throughout the region for centuries, and Gustaav has many hilarious stories about his time pillaging for the Gustaavian government.
After some particularly humorous stories about how he and his war buddies broke the will of a village by slaughtering their livestock, Gustaav decided to take a nap. You may notice that Gustaav's eyes are wide open in the second picture. He told me, "This is a talent I developed on campaign in Hamlet of Turinville, the Turnip Capital of Northern Gustaavia. I sleep with eyes wide open. One close friend who thought he did not need this technique woke up one morning without a kidney!" So it goes in Gustaavia.
One of Gustaav's favorite pass times is opening doors. As you may be able to assume, the Gustaavian uniform is much more suited to the outdoor life of a warrior than our domestic lives, so doors fascinated him. He spends a good 45 seconds on each door but he says, "As warrior, I welcome the challenge!" This kind of attitude is what makes him so punk. Even though he knows that it would be easier to just take off the boots, he refuses to compromise his integrity and cultural values for the sake of convenience. Gustaav respects himself too much to give up his boothands just to save a minute here or there when he has to open a door. For this, the man is one of my personal heroes.
This weekend, Gustaav was visited by some other Gustaavian natives: his brother Gustaav Smenhoultz, his grandfather Granpapa Gustaav, and his girlfriend Gustaaviana. Gustaav was especially excited to see his girlfriend. When they got in they all took a gorgeous family photo. Then Gustaav immediately took them to his room to show them the new American songs he learned on his guitar. This happened:
After he was satisfied that he had taught his family about American culture, the Smenhoultz clan and Gustaaviana sat down for a traditional Saint Patricks day meal of bagels and green food coloring. They shared some polite conversation and very dinner-table-appropriate affection before eating. Due to the warlike nature of Gustaavian culture, they fought viciously over the food on the table, as illustrated in the slideshow. This whole mentality he grew up with explains a lot about Gustaav. Not only is he as fiercely independent as any punk, but he has been actively taught that he must earn every scrap of food he eats. Even when there is clearly enough for everyone, the Gustaavians learn discipline and hard work every minute of every day.
As my profile came to an end, I asked Gustaav one last question: "Where do you like living more, Gustaavia or America?"
He gave me the best possible answer. "I don't know." He flung his booted arms into the air and smiled, refusing to quantify and compare his love for his two homes. This mere article can't explain why I love Gustaav, but maybe it can give you a glimpse into who he is.
Check out his blog here: www.badmfcraziness.blogspot.com
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